Yesterday, a female doctor from AIIMS committed suicide.
News report here
She had discovered that her husband was gay.
But that is not the reason she killed herself.
I read the last post on her facebook page, and here is what I learnt. At the time of the marriage she did not know her husband was gay. When she noticed he never got an erection with her, she thought it was a medical issue and hoped that he would be cured some day. Then one day she discovered a fake gmail account on her husband’s laptop and found chat conversations with men from the underground gay community. She also found links to gay porn sites and gay porn videos.
She was shocked. But even then, she was willing to ignore his homosexuality and live a life without sex because she loved her husband. But the husband’s personality changed after his sexuality was exposed. He started humiliating her and her parents, she says.
After 5 years of marriage, she killed herself.
Here’s a portion from her FB post…
In spite of knowing this I decided to help him to b as a wife with him . But he tortured me a lot mentally .
And at last night he tortured me emotionally so I am unabl to take breath with him . And last Dr xxxxx (name of husband) I loved you a lot and I return you took my all happiness from me. You are not a human being you are a devil , who take away my life from me.
If someone in our society is like him please don’t marry to a girl to save yourself , you people by doing so not playing only with someone emotions also with a girl and her family’s life .
If someone had query about me I will undergo medical examination that I never had sex . Dr xxxxx I never wanted anything from you but due to your abnormal sexuality you thought you think I need sex from you it’s wrong. I just wanted to be with you accepting you because I loved you very much but you never knew importance of this . You are a criminal Dr xxxxx of my life .
What lessons can we learn from this?
Lesson 1 : Many gay males marry females for family ‘reputation’
This is very common in Indian communities where family reputation is more important than the happiness of the children. Only when the situation becomes really bad (like suicides) does it become news, and the public gets to know. Otherwise it remains a lifelong secret.
Lesson 2 : Love is possible without sex
The FB post of the woman shows that she loved her husband deeply even after discovering that he was gay. She was willing to accept him the way he was, if even though he would never be able to get it ‘up’ with her. But unfortunately he did not love her and wanted her to go away. I have several female clients with gay husbands. In most of the cases, it was the husband who hired me for his wife who he loved dearly. Typically the husband first meets me alone in a coffee shop to ensure that I am ‘safe’ and then has his wife meet me in a coffee shop to ensure that she ‘likes’ me (while he sits a couple of tables away). Finally, if all goes well, he hires a place for us to meet. Just recently, a gay husband hired a luxurious hotel suite in a premier hill resort near Mumbai. His wife and I were in the main room, while he was in the adjoining room working on his laptop. Never once did he walk into our room or disturb us. He was just there to make sure his wife was safe, because he loved her. After a few such sessions, when they are convinced I am safe, the wife directly sets up an appointment with me, and just the two of us meet, without the husband, in a hotel room paid for by the husband’s credit card. 😉 The husband is actually glad to find somebody trustworthy like me so that he does not have to be there every time his wife meets me.
Lesson 3 : Society needs gigolos
There are countless marriages all over India, where the husband is gay but the wife still loves him and does not want to separate. Do you expect this loving wife to spend her whole life without sex? 🙁 Many wives do indeed spend their whole life without sex. A few develop a lesbian relationship with a neighbour or a family friend. In some cases, a trusted relative takes care of the business of satisfying the wife. But this relative can sometimes cause embarrassment. One client told me about an incident in which the relative got drunk at a family function and started touching her in front of her other relatives. The husband had to tactfully stop him and move him away from his wife. He had to do it tactfully because the relative had the power to slut-shame his wife since he had already slept with her. These days many couples prefer to hire a trustworthy gigolo whom they can hire, pay and forget, without fear of embarrassment in social functions.